I really love this time of the year. There's something about the end of the year and the start of a new one that just brings everything into perspective. It has a way of making everything you endured during the year seem essential. I usually take some time to reflect and take stock of how I'm feeling about my life. I clean out my space and get rid of things that no longer fit into my life. Honestly, it's one of my favorite things. It gives me a chance to slow down and relax and I really love that. With all its challenges I can trull say 2021 was a great year. At the start of the year I reflected on things I went through in 2020 and decided to make myself a series of videos just documenting how I felt in each moment of any given day. Around my birthday (7months later), I compiled all the videos and watched it as a gift to myself. Looking at those videos gave me a chance to see myself in my "humanness". In some of these videos I was sad, excited, annoyed etc. It helped me to embrace the fact that growth is truly a process. I highly recommend doing this if you're into it. It takes journaling to another level. Sometimes we can be really hard on ourselves. We might ask questions like, "why is it taking me so long to get past this or why can't the healing be linear?" (lol). Here's a newsflash for us all; healing isn't supposed to be linear. It's messy, and riddled with emotions, as it should be.
This year I learned how to let go and how to relinquish control. There were so many
instances that taught me this and I'm so grateful. I learned how to let go from my plants. When they lose leaves and I have to cut them off, I realized that they grew new ones and were in fact healthier afterwards. I also learned how to let go when they would die. Maybe they couldn't thrive in the environment that they were in or maybe I didn't understand them enough to take care of them. So it is with situations in our lives. Some are here for a time to teach us some things and some are here for the long haul to grow and thrive with us. So now that I've embraced this lesson I no longer try to hold on to things that have expired, instead I try as best I can to garner the lesson and let go. Being human (especially one in their 20's), is quite complex. It is a time when you might be on your own, learning to parent yourself, because your parents are not with you 24/7. You suddenly have all of these responsibilities that you have to take care of. It is also a time of well needed growth. I think moving out on my own has given me the space to learn so much about who Kaydine is. I've even rediscovered parts of myself that I never really thought much of over the years. 2021 was like cleaning your room and finding things that you forgot about and wondering why you ever forgot about them in the first place.
This year I found the Kaydine who laughs at the silliest things. The one who could make a joke out of anything. I also found the Kaydine who will cry when she's hurt or overwhelmed. The Kaydine that will talk about things that hurt her instead of holding them in and letting them fester. I found the Kaydine who is able to let go. I found areas of myself that need more empathy, areas that need to be set free, areas that are yearning for God to take control. I must say it is hard to let go of control. At the end of my therapy sessions, my therapist will ask me to write down a sentence that I will use as a "walk away" (something I can base my thinking and life around until the next session). At the end of my last session this year, this was my walk away - "I will trust God in the process"
I remember telling her that I don't like uncertainty, I like knowing the outcome of things. However, as I write this I'm reminded of the question "do you love God?" Of course I do. Well then, trusting him completely is one way I can show Him I love Him. 1 John 4:18 says "Perfect love casts out all fear". Let's face it, if we don't trust it's because we are afraid. Afraid that we'll get taken advantage of or some other worse outcome. However, with God there really is no reason to fear because he is unchangeable and unwavering and his promises are yes and amen. Of course as humans we will never be perfect, but we can always go to God even with imperfections. It is in our imperfections that he shows himself strong. So as I go into the new year I am looking forward to truly trusting him more in the process. Also, I've learned that the more you trust God with your life, the more peace he provides. This peace no one can take away from you. I'm grateful for how far I've come and I'm looking forward to how far I'll go.
The human experience can be a fun experience (though we don't think so during times of painful growth lol). I think this year I learned how to really sit with my emotions and embrace them whether good or bad. All the learning and series of emotions really highlight the beauty of being human. Once we've overcome, embracing this fact becomes easier. This year I faced moments where I felt like a failure or even incapable. However, one thing that kept standing out, is the fact that I am learning and I am not a failure and I'm capable beyond measure. Contradicting my inner critic with my words and actions was something I really had to lean into this year. I want to encourage you to fight back with the truth (what God says about you). Anything your inner critic says is false, you know the truth and you get to decide which one you will embrace, the truth or the lie. Choose wisely.
What a year this was. The excitement of a new year and a new opportunity to work on ourselves is palpable; but I want us to remember this- you are human first, not an endless project. So in all the growth and development, be gentle with yourself and take time to just be. You are loved, you are free, you are safe and you are healed.
Happy New Year!
From your fellow 20 something :)
Wishing you Holistic Health for the new year and all the years to come.
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