Hi family! Happy Saturday. We've made it, yet again to the end of another week. Give thanks.
So, today we're going to get a little intimate. Earlier this week I started to share my own experiences on my health journey and with diet culture on instagram @theholistichealthnut, and I promised to share the full story here. So here goes.
The story goes a little something like this:
There used to be a time where I was heavily immersed in diet culture. I used to live it and preach it. I used to workout a lot, because I wanted to lose weight and keep it off. I was fearful of being in a bigger body because it’s not socially acceptable. We all want to be accepted. Maybe not by everyone, but by those who we love. Anyway, I used to skip meals or eat less. I exercised to the point where I hurt myself. I hurt my sternum (the chest bone) during one of my workout sessions. I couldn't workout for quite a while. It hurt like crazy. Even the simple act of walking would make it feel like I was being stabbed repeatedly.
I had started my personal instagram page around the same time I started college. As an aspiring nutrition student (because my major wasn't declared yet), I took pleasure in sharing pictures and recipes of meals and pictures of myself working out or just to showcase my "gains". People would leave endearing comments like, "we should be gym buddies", "or omg Good job!" I accepted those comments with great pride. But at what cost? Even though I didn't think about it at the time, it was reinforcing in my mind that I am accomplished if I am able to maintain a small body, and not accomplished if I was unsuccessful in being thin. I am not blaming my friends for leaving those comments because it is an idea that has been engrained in all of us. The media tells us that if we are fat, we should lose weight to be healthy. Even our culture tells us, our families tell us that too. It is everywhere. The truth is, it is just not that simple. Being thin does not automatically mean someone is healthy and being fat does not automatically mean someone is unhealthy. You can engage in health promoting behaviors, not lose weight and be healthy. It is not one size fits all. Health looks different for everyone.
At the time it looked like I was "healthy", successfully maintaining a small frame. What was not obvious was the restriction or the emotional struggles that were affecting my eating pattern. There was a lot behind the scenes that you would never be able to tell. This is why I am very firm in not complimenting weightloss, because we never know what is happening behind the scenes. I didn't own a scale, but whenever I weighed myself either at the gym or at my pcp (personal care physician) during routine checkups, I would look at the number, check my BMI to determine how much weight I should lose. I'll talk about the BMI in another blogpost, but just as a summary, the BMI is extremely irrelevant and inaccurate on so many counts. Simply put, it has no place in determining health.
After I had injured my chest and was pretty much out of commission as far as exercise was concerned, I went to the doctor to check it out, got an x-ray and everything. It came back normal, so I guess it was probably a muscle I had pulled and not a fracture (thank God!). I started to go to yoga classes to see if it would help heal it. At this point the pain was either non existent or very minimal. I continued doing yoga and one day I realized the pain was no longer there. Thank God! I didn't really think much of it and continued to live life. Diet culture was still very present in my life. I started going to the gym again. I still had it in my head that a smaller frame was better.
I think the shift came when I started the blog in 2018. I was at bible study and my pastor said something that knocked me to my core. He said "what is the use in having a "healthy body" if your mind and spirit is a mess. There were still remnants of diet culture, but I started to look at myself as a complete being, hence “holistic”, and realized I was more than a body. I had a mind and spirit that were struggling because I was neglecting them in pursuit of physical ideals. Then I discovered intuitive eating and diet culture started to slip away even more. I started listening to my body and reevaluating why I exercise and just reevaluating my perspective on health.
I stopped looking at food as good or bad. It is just food. Some are more nutrient dense than others and that is it. I started to reevaluate my "why". It shifted from losing weight to being a good steward over the body that God gave me. I steward it by nourishing my spirit through prayer, reading His word and being vulnerable with God. Allowing Him to see parts of me that I can't show the world without judgement. I nourish my mind by giving it to God, working through my emotions in prayer or through writing and my favorite, being in nature. I nourish my body by loving it, by listening to it, learning what it needs outside of diet culture's VERY loud voice. I nourish it by removing every anxiety around food that diet culture tells me I should have. I nourish it by embracing my chubby cheeks. I nourish it by feeding it pizza, smoothies, French fries, tea, banana bread, veggie omelettes, hot chocolate, movement that I love and enjoy, sleep etc. You get the picture. Most importantly, I nourish it by feeding it with enough food, food that nourish both my body and soul.
I know this way of living might sound crazy or like you're letting yourself go, as diet culture will tell you. I promise you its not. It might feel like it from time to time but it is not. It is simply the feeling of diet culture leaving you. Diet culture detaches us from our bodies by prescribing rules that force us to ignore our bodies' natural cues. Seriously, diet culture will tell you that you should not trust your hunger and that you should eat only a small cup of rice, even if you know it will not satisfy you.
Now, instead of being afraid of certain foods and glorifying others, I see them for what they are and I remove the label of "can't eat or forbidden" and I allow myself all foods. This allows me to choose from a place of freedom instead of from a place of scarcity. Now, food that I once feared has become just another food option and I no longer feel the need to overeat that specific food item because it isn't forbidden. when we give ourselves a list of forbidden foods, it tells our brain that this food is now scarce and then you become preoccupied with that food item and are more likely to overeat it because you're telling yourself this is the last of it.
Now, I exercise because it makes me feel good and because I enjoy it, not because it will change my body. This shift has completely renewed my thoughts around exercise. I don't have to punish myself by doing extra strenuous work in order to burn calories. I now look at it as something I can enjoy and not something I have to dread.
This shift is not cut and dry, there are times when I feel like I should be pursuing a "beach body" according to society or that I shouldn't be eating a certain food that society has demonized. However, doing the work in quieting those thoughts has been an important part in my journey. It is still women's month and so I thought I'd share my story. I mean, let's face it, women are the targets for diet culture and distorted body image messages. I know it is hard, trust me I do, but I encourage you to fight for yourself and your health. Stop letting diet culture decide for you and start reconnecting with your body and repair your relationship with food. There is a wonderful world of health outside of diet culture.
I love you,
Peace, love and good health.
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